And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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