theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
