I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
