why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
