The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
