Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
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