that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
