i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
