I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
