last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
