I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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