Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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