She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
