I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
