turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
