Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
