Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
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I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
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I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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