I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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