So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
