i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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