from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
