There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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