dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
