i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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