I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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