I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
