Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
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