Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Randomize
