There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
