my phone needs a breathalizer
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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