he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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