I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
