I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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