I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
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