I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
