It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
