he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
false alarm, still single
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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