Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
