hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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