So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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