walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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