I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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