The maid of honor just puked.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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