my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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