i was rollin on her like bob the builder
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
We left an ass print on the piano.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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