im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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