I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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