Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
