cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
There's always time for handjobs
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
