Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
