I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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