My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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