just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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