I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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