I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
