Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Randomize
